Prequel to the Epic Cupcake Story

Adventures in the life of the Red Sox, Episode One.

Written in AIM by Katie and myself.

Jacoby gets some lady problems, Pedroia gets a stripper, and Pap gets drunk.


Katie (10:09:05 PM): could you imagine jacoby breaking up with some one
Mary (10:09:06 PM): awwwwww
Katie (10:09:18 PM): can i uhhh
Katie (10:09:20 PM): ummm
Katie (10:09:29 PM): have my uhh sweatshirt uhhh back'
Katie (10:09:31 PM): ya know
Katie (10:09:44 PM): and shed clearly be a skank
Mary (10:09:46 PM): mmhmm
Katie (10:10:19 PM): and hed be really sad
Katie (10:10:24 PM): and everyone would be all awwww
Katie (10:10:28 PM): poor jacoby
Mary (10:11:50 PM): and pedroia would bake him a cake
Mary (10:11:52 PM): and make him dinner
Mary (10:12:01 PM): then tuck him into bed at night
Mary (10:12:07 PM): underneath teh new bedspread that his mom told him to buy
Katie (10:12:10 PM): and be like nah man shes a ho
Katie (10:12:14 PM): bitches aint shit man
Katie (10:12:35 PM): and Jacoby would be like but i really liked her
Mary (10:12:50 PM): :;sniffle::
Mary (10:12:59 PM): and pedroia would be sitting on the edge of hte bed
Mary (10:13:02 PM): rubbing his back
Katie (10:13:26 PM): and beckett would come in and be like come on just get some new ladiess
Katie (10:13:32 PM): and they'd all laugh
Mary (10:14:08 PM): because they know that beckett meant strippers
Katie (10:14:25 PM): and then Beckett would be like
Katie (10:14:35 PM): come on we're goin out tonight baaaayyybeeee
Mary (10:14:51 PM): and pedroia looks around nervously for the wife
Mary (10:14:59 PM): and seeing she's not there, he goes OK
Katie (10:15:12 PM): and ellsbury just smiles a little
Katie (10:15:18 PM): even though hes still sad
Mary (10:15:39 PM): and when they get to the strippers, there's Pap, up there, dancing with the strippers
Katie (10:15:57 PM): and they all just die laughing
Katie (10:20:08 PM): and then jacoby almost sleeps with a stripper but he doesnt cause hes a good boy
Mary (10:20:21 PM): mmhmm
Mary (10:20:23 PM): he's like
Mary (10:20:36 PM): "i dont want to catch any diseases...."
Katie (10:21:03 PM): and becketts like jesus christ where are all the college chicks
Mary (10:21:17 PM): and he says
Mary (10:21:18 PM): oh right
Mary (10:21:21 PM): the're with Pap
Katie (10:21:49 PM): then hes like lets go to like BU i'm sure they got chicks
Katie (10:22:43 PM): and Jacoby's like i think im just gonna go and he starts walking away
Katie (10:22:50 PM): and then pedroias like no you're coming
Katie (10:22:59 PM): you're my excuse
Mary (10:23:05 PM): hahaha
Mary (10:23:06 PM): omg
Mary (10:23:08 PM): he's like
Mary (10:23:18 PM): the baby or the puppy that guys carry around
Mary (10:23:22 PM): to get chicks
Katie (10:23:32 PM): pretty much
Katie (10:23:44 PM): and hes like no seriously i dont feel good im just gonna go
Katie (10:23:47 PM): and runs away
Mary (10:23:50 PM): and no one can catch him
Mary (10:23:55 PM): except maybe coco
Mary (10:23:58 PM): but he's not there
Mary (10:24:06 PM): because he's basically got a family
Katie (10:24:20 PM): and hes not as messed up as them
Katie (10:25:36 PM): and then Jacoby's all scared
Mary (10:25:54 PM): walking through boston alone at night
Katie (10:26:34 PM): and he decides that this is prettymuch the worst day ever
Katie (10:31:28 PM): so he calls his mom
Mary (10:41:24 PM): so basically he is curled up in bed talking to his mom
Mary (10:41:31 PM): with a tub of ice cream
Mary (10:41:38 PM): and a spoon
Katie (10:42:34 PM): and he just keeps saying how all he wants is a good girlfriend
Mary (10:43:08 PM): and his mom is talking to him in navajo telling him it'll be ok
Katie (10:43:49 PM): and then his brother gets on the phone and tells him to sack up
Katie (10:44:05 PM): and hes like shut up
Katie (10:44:11 PM): im not a manwhore like you
Katie (10:46:46 PM): anyways so he calls his brother a manwhore and then starts talking to his mom again
Mary (10:47:20 PM): and shes like "dont worry, you'll find someone" and he goes "thanks mom i love you" and everyone in the world goes
Mary (10:47:23 PM): AWWWWWWWWWW <3
Katie (10:49:41 PM): and then hes like
Katie (10:49:44 PM): ya know what
Katie (10:49:48 PM): she was a skank anyways
Katie (10:49:52 PM): screw that ho
Mary (10:50:15 PM): and he goes
Mary (10:50:17 PM): MOM!!!
Mary (10:50:25 PM): and shes lke what, she was
Katie (10:50:42 PM): and hes like yea i guess so
Katie (10:50:45 PM): but still
Katie (10:50:51 PM): it doesnt make me feel better
Katie (10:50:56 PM): and shes like awe hunny
Mary (10:51:46 PM): and then pedroia bashes in to the house w/a stripper and Pap comes in behind him drunk off his ass
Katie (10:52:05 PM): and jacoby's like uhhh mom i gotta go
Katie (10:52:13 PM): love you bye
Mary (10:52:29 PM): and Pap barges into his room
Mary (10:52:35 PM): and flops down on the bed
Katie (10:53:13 PM): and Jacoby is like ok im leaving now
Katie (10:53:19 PM): and runs out of the house
Katie (10:53:23 PM): and is like
Katie (10:53:30 PM): i can't even stay in my own house
Katie (10:53:35 PM): so he gest all sad again
Katie (10:53:45 PM): cause he has nowhere to go and hsi friends are all trashed
Mary (10:53:58 PM): so he knocks on Tek's door
Katie (10:54:06 PM): and is like
Katie (10:54:10 PM): can i stay here tonight
Katie (10:54:23 PM): and hes like *all concerned* yea sure ok
Katie (10:54:26 PM): whats wrong?
Mary (10:54:45 PM): and they sit down on the couch, tek wraps him in a blanket and gives him coco
Mary (10:54:55 PM): and he starts telling tek what's wrong
Mary (10:55:01 PM): and he's all concerned
Mary (10:55:09 PM): and there's totally Lifetime on the TV
Mary (10:55:13 PM): but no one notices
Katie (10:55:38 PM): and then Tek is all reassuring him
Katie (10:55:44 PM): and hes like dont worry it's all gonna be fine
Katie (10:56:59 PM): and then Mrs. Tek comes in w/ cookies
Mary (10:58:07 PM): and she sits down and starts petting his head
Mary (10:58:14 PM): and telling him its going to be ok
Katie (10:58:38 PM): and shes like just let it all out hunny
Mary (10:58:42 PM): and he starts crying
Mary (10:58:54 PM): and tek and his wife guive him a giant group hug
Mary (10:59:13 PM): and then buckholz walks in, rubbing his eyes sleepily, and goes
Mary (10:59:21 PM): "you woke me up."
Mary (10:59:27 PM): "....why are you crying?"
Katie (10:59:38 PM): and Jacoby hiccups and is like sorry man
Mary (10:59:54 PM): and buckholz frowns and walks over and hugs jacoby
Mary (11:00:01 PM): then his cell phone rings
Katie (11:00:36 PM): and he's like who the christ is calling me
Katie (11:00:39 PM): and Tek is like
Katie (11:00:42 PM): watch your mouth
Mary (11:00:54 PM): Jacoby apologises and pulls out his pone
Katie (11:01:20 PM): and he's like i dont know this number
Katie (11:01:27 PM): i just dont wanna talk to anyonee
Katie (11:01:28 PM): and Tek's
Katie (11:01:35 PM): like just answer it
Mary (11:01:42 PM): so he does and it's Pap
Mary (11:01:44 PM): drunk off his ass
Mary (11:01:48 PM): and he goes
Mary (11:02:13 PM): "it's yerrr girlfirend. she's here and she's offering to bedazzle the shit out of my coat. WHERE ARE YOUUU?!"
Mary (11:02:20 PM): ::hiccup::
Katie (11:02:38 PM): and Jacoby just hangs up and starts crying again
Katie (11:03:08 PM): and Buchholz is like aw what happened
Mary (11:03:47 PM): and Jacoby explains it all to him, and Buchholz is like aww sorry dude. that's rough
Mary (11:03:57 PM): and tek's wife is like
Mary (11:04:18 PM): "i would stay up with you but i have to get up early" so she goes to bed and leads buchholz sleepily away
Mary (11:04:37 PM): and Tek pats Jacoby on the head and tells him to get some sleep on the couch
Katie (11:04:52 PM): and they're all like it'll get better i promise
Katie (11:05:06 PM): and then hes like all quiet "thanks"
Mary (11:05:14 PM): so Tek goes to bed
Mary (11:05:31 PM): and Jacoby puts down the cocoa, and snuggles into the couch
Mary (11:05:42 PM): he falls asleep soon after
Mary (11:05:54 PM): and awakes in the morning to some wallfes and bacon
Mary (11:05:57 PM): with a note
Mary (11:06:01 PM): from Pedoria
Mary (11:06:03 PM): saying
Mary (11:06:23 PM): "sorry i was drunk last night. come over after breakfast and we'll make cupcakes."
Mary (11:06:32 PM): PREQUEL TO THE CUPCAKE STORY!!!!

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The Epic Cupcake Story

Not only is this me testing out my logging-in capibilities, but I'm going to share a wonderful story with you.

This is the cupcake story, written betwixt Katie and myself on AIM tonight. Excuse the typos, but this thing was a mess. I'm surprised it looks this good



Jacoby is like but i cant put sprinkles on the cupcakes and pedroia is like WE DONT NEED SPRINKLES JESUS and Jacoby's like fine don't yellll at me
and beckett comes crashing in, with buchholz in tow, and he just walks over, takes a cupcake and buchholz is all "can i has cupcake?" and beckett goes NO! and he storms off
and tehn Buck just sits on the couch and pouts
and buchholz sneaks back in and reaches for a cupcake and beckett screames from teh other room I SAID NO bitch.
then Jacoby's like well can i have one and Pedroias like NOOOOOOOOOOOOO They're for MIKE JESUS!!!!!! and then Jacoby and Buchholz just sit and pout about how they dont understand its only one cupcake
and pap comes into the kitchen, looks at the tray, and takes the whole damned thing into the other room and just dumps them into his mouth dropping like 12 on the floor and Beckett and Pedroia are like GOD DAMMIT SONOFABITCH
WELL HAVE TO MAKE MORE NOW
and then Buchholz andJacoby sneek in and take one and chuck it at Beckett and Pedroia and pap looks up and screams FOOD FIGHT and comes barreling into the kitchen thorwing everything he sees the sugar bowl hits beckett in the shoulder and he goes bonkers
then Beckett throws it like 97 at Jacoby's face but he runs outta the way and it hits pap and he hits beckett with the broom then Pedroia turns on the radio
and it's shipping up to bostonso pap just stops and starts dancing
and Becketts like this song blows dick and Buchholz is like who says that? and becketts like I do BITCH
and pap goes to walk into the loving room, but when he turns around he walks into mike lowell, carrying a cake that the bullpen made for him, and the cake goes into Lowell's face all into his eyebrows
and he just makes that like half amused face and shakes his head adn starts another food fight
and jacoby just slinks away intothe other room like a frightened deer
and hides under his new fluffy comforter that his mom told him to buy
and papi walks into the room and goes my... this bed looks comfy ::flop:: and ellsbury goes eeeeeee and papi is all "wtf?"
and he gets up and hes like aw sorry man
and ellsbury is like :;squeak::
back in the kitchen, tek walks in
and then manny come flying down the hallwith his arms spread otu going woooooooooooooooooooosh AIRPLANGGGGGGGGGG Wooooooooooooooooooooosh
and tek's juts STOP and Paps is like *whisper* Hammah time and Tek just glares at him
then Pap gets up on the counter and starts saying O captain my captain!
and Ellsbury stands on the table and Pedroia has to stand on top of the fridge cause hes so little
and he goes "so that's where they hid my booze"and beckett goes YOU CANT DRINK YOUR ONLY 12
and Pedroia's like what bithc what and he starts trying to bite Becketts ankles
so, pap looks down and sees pedroia biting becketts ankles adn he picks up the broom and starts whackling him on the head
and growling
and all the while tek is trying to calm everyone down but he turns to see mike lowell with the frosting and cake all over him and he reackes over and scoops some frostin from his eyeborws
and Jacoby''s like ewwwwwwwwww then he calls his mom and is like mommy im scareded
and to ask how to get frosting out of clothing
and then Pedroia's wife comes in and is like WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE!!!!!
and they all stop
and Pedroia's like FUCK
and she just looks at him and shakes her head and starts to walk away: but dustin stops her and says "ummm... can the guys sleep over tonight?"
and shes like you're a fucking mess and just leaves and Pedroias like BUT IT WAS JACOBY'S FAULT
and jacoby says "THANKS DUSTIN!"
they all change into their matching footie pajamas and dustin puts in field of dreams
and they all sit cross-legged on the floor
and becketts like we need some ladies and everyone just looks at him and Dustins like come ON its a guys night plus my wife'll KILL me
and beckett mumbles obscenities under his breath and pap reaches under his blanket and pulls out a flask and ghoes "let's really turn this into a party" and tek looks at him and goes "dude... we're not 18 an ymore that shit's LEGAL" and they all turn to look at jacoby
and he just smiles and is like i got a fake id doe and theyu're all like wtf and hes like helloooooooooooo havent you ever heard the song tipsy duh and they're just like "teenagers these days"
and jacoby yells "I'M 24!" and dustin gies "no, you're not" and papi looks at him and goes "you should be talking?"
and Buchholz is cracking up and everyones like you're like 10!
and he just stops and looks at all of them
and then Jacoby and Pedroia and Buccholz all sit together and whisper about how they're really not 12 and they really didi go to high school already
and pap, beckett and tek sit together and compare biceps
and Ortiz just watches them all like a father and then when Jacoby Clay and Pedroia fall asleep he covers them with a blanket and Paps is like haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa they're sleepin and then he passes out
and pap, beckett, and tek are the only ones awake and theyre like "let's see what's on HBO..." then pedroia's wife walks in and she's all DONT YOU DARE PUT PORN ON MY TV!! and pap gets freaked out
and Becketts like aw shit bitchand shes like WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY! and Pedroia wakes up and is like oh fuck
and she goes YOU! COME TO BED NOW and he goes but i'm with the guysssss all whiney
and shes looks at them and goes get out! NOW!! and they all leavebut she lets Jacoby stay cause hes a nice Boy
and as clay is leaving they notice that the flap in the back of his foottie PJ's is open and jacoby and dustin point and laigh
and that he has a tattoo
after they leave dutin goes "can we pull out the sofa and sleep in the living room? i promise we'll fall askleep early!"
abd Jacoby's like yea I promise and she's like well ok if you say so and Pedroias like why if HE says so
and she says "he's a good boy" so they slink off to the lving room and pull out the futon and they get into it. just as dustin starts to fall asleep jacoby gets a case of the giggles and they both crack up
like a 6th grade girl
and dustin's wife yells from the bedroom "I CAN HEAR YOU! GO TO BED!"
and they stick their heads under the covers to try and muffle their laughs
and she goes 'I CAN STILL HEAR YOU!"
and then Jacoby's phone rings and all Pedroia hears is "how the hell am I supposed to know what the theme of "a Rose for Emily is"
and he mouths who's that? and jacoby, in a fit of giggles, yells YOUR MOTHER and dustin's wife goes GO TO BED!!!
and Jacoby's like but my broski needs help and shess like GIVE ME THE GODDAMN PHONE and he pauses and shes like NOW!!!! and he just hands her the phone and she goes thank you. and she walks away
and jacoby sticks his tongue out at her and she goes I SAW THAT!
and Pedroias like "she sees everything" I swear to god
and jacoby mumbles "bummer...." and they turn over to go back to bed

and just before dustin falls asleep, jacoby whisperes "dustin?"
he goes "yeah?"
"......i love you man."
and his wife is just standing in the dorrway and she just walks away and goes AWWWWWWWWWWWWW
and Dustins like I love ya too rook
and they smile and drift off to sleep.

END.

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